Friday, 24 February 2017

DEAR THE BOY WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME




I have about six draft posts I am working on at the moment about various different things however this is something that is more important. I am seeing an increasing amount of posts about mental health and sexual assault on my newsfeed and every time I see one my heart breaks a little more, for the men, women, and children that have experienced these things, it is heart-breaking and as a society we need to start doing something rather than blocking it and pretending it is not an issue. Sexual assault affects too many people; it is the time we start doing something about it. 





Sexual assault is something I avoid talking about, I can count on my hands the number of people I have talked about sexual assault too and that isn't because I don't see it as an issue. It is because I see it as a massive issue but sometimes the hardest things to talk about are the things that you have experienced. I was sexually assaulted six and a half years ago. It took me six years for those words to even come out of my mouth and it took me five years to get help. That night my life changed forever and it is something I will never get back. I have avoided talking about this for all this time on eve type of social media because I didn't want people to know, I didn’t want it to affect friendships or potential relationships, it was something I was ashamed of for so long and I shouldn’t have been because it is not my shame to carry, it is his. If people don’t want anything to do with me because of what happened that night and because I am speaking out against it then so be it, I don't want anything to do with them. I have met some amazing people because of the position I was put in and I have seen sides of people that are caring and supportive because I have told them. Although some people have asked why I didn't report him, why I don’t report him and the reason to that answer is simply because I do not want to, I don’t want to put myself in that position. I have laid awake at night thinking about whether I will report it, I have talked to friends and gotten their opinions and some responses where "what if he does it to someone else?" people have asked that question as if I have never thought of it, as if I hadn’t laid awake at night thinking but what if, but at the end of the day I can't answer that question and I have to do what is best for me. I have learned that some people will have that what if response but some people have had the best response I could have asked for and told me to do what’s best for you and you need to do what will give you closure. 



I have no current interest in reporting what happened to me or pursuing legal action simply because I don't want to and that is enough of a reason for me. I have to focus on myself and I have been doing that. I still struggle every day with what happened in ways that some people can’t even imagine, I don’t get nightmares anymore, but that isn’t to say I will never have them again, I still get anxiety going into places he may be but that doesn’t mean I will always have that. There are people I am close to that are close to his family, and that is hard to deal with, but at the end of the day, my safety and my mental and physical health will always come before any friendships.

This is the letter I wrote to the boy who sexually assaulted me. It is a private letter I wrote around a month ago in the early hours one morning, it was hard to write and I shed a lot of tears. It explains some of my pain and forgiveness and it is the most empowering and difficult thing I have ever written. There is life after sexual assault, and there are people that care about what happened to you. Speak out, don't stay silent. Sexual assault is not okay.



Dear the boy who sexually assaulted me,

I call you a boy because that is what you were, and it hurts me to say your name whether it is you I am referring to or not to say your name it physically hurts. You were a boy; I was a girl. The concept of sexual assault wasn’t something I understood, I didn’t understand that it could happen to a twelve-year-old. I didn’t think a fifteen-year-old could do that. I didn’t understand, I didn’t understand what you did. Now I understand what you did but I don’t understand why you did it, I won’t ever understand. I didn’t know if you knew what you were doing. You told me that your brother said it was okay; so it must be but you knew I said no, I said I didn’t want you, I begged you to stop, but you didn’t, you thought you had a right to take that from me, you thought you had a right to take my body away from me. I begged you to stop. I have never begged anyone like I begged you to stop. I remember trying to push you off of me, I remember you touching me, I remember you putting your tongue in my mouth. You took that away that from me, not only my first kiss but everything that comes after that as well. Now, when I kiss somebody I get flashbacks of that night, you not only destroyed that night for me you destroyed every kiss after that night, but with you, it wasn’t a kiss. I don’t know what I would call it, but it wasn’t a kiss.

It was a nightmare. I remembered for months afterward trying to convince myself that is was a bad dream, that it was a nightmare. I tried to convince myself you hadn’t done anything. I remember the first time I told anybody, it was my sister we were driving home to Te Arai and I asked her if she had ever had a guy force himself on her, she said no, have you? My reply was a simple quiet yes. She asked me to repeat myself, she pulled over the car and explained to me that what you had done, what you did to me was sexual assault, what you did to me was wrong. I already knew it was wrong that what you did to me wasn’t okay, but I didn’t know it was sexual assault. I was ashamed of what happened I didn’t tell anyone for years, not until we had moved away from you. (Edited)*** When I’m driving past my old house my mind is flooded with happy memories but (Edited)*** I am reminded of all those times you were in my childhood.(Edited)*** I knew you for my entire life, and you gave me every reason to trust you and within one night you took all of that away, I will never trust anyone completely again, my childhood my life was changed that night.



I have never felt like my body was completely mine since that night. Some days I feel so dirty, so disgusting that I want to just sit in the shower, I want to lay in the bath. I just want to disappear into it because it is the only way I feel clean, it is the only way I can get you off my skin, and the only way that I can take away that feeling of your touch. The water is one of the only places I feel safe and free from your grasp. I want to take off my skin, I want to unzip my skin and lay it down beside me as if it were a jacket as if my body was a piece of clothing. I want to scrub the feelings of your hands off my body, I want to wash my mouth out until I can no longer feel your tongue down my throat. I want to press delete on the pain you caused me, I want to delete every childhood memory I have that you are in. I want to delete some of my happiest memories because you are my worst memory.

Sometimes I wish I was never born I wish, I didn’t exist. That wish almost become a reality twice. You may have found out, that I tried to kill myself, twice. I self-harmed for years, and I only recently stopped. Suicide is something I still think about, I still think about the first time I cut my skin, that day I felt like I had gained a little part of my body back because I was inflicted the pain. I could control the pain I was receiving and for me, that was taking ownership of my body. You can’t see many of my scars now but the scar that left the biggest mark is one you can’t even see and that is the scar you caused, the pain you inflicted on me because you wanted validation from your brother.



I feel sorry for you; at times I hate you. There is a massive part of me that forgives you, hopes you are doing better and feels sorry for you but there will also always be a part of me that hates you, a part that doesn’t understand what you did, a part that hopes you suffer and you feel the pain that I have felt. But that part that holds that hate is so much smaller than the part that feels sorry for you. I hope you get the help you need, it whichever way that may be. I hope you get a job, earn a living, maybe even buy a house but there is no part of me that hopes a wife and family for you. I fear for your future wife if you do get married, I fear you will hurt her and she won’t be able to get away. I fear that you will have children and take away their childhood, I fear that they too will also want to step out of their bodies and leave it behind like a jacket. I ask you for me do well, get a job, get help sort out your life, but please don’t hurt anybody else. Don’t put anyone else through what you put me through.

I will never forget you, I can never forget you. You have shaped me into the person I am. I have many of my ambitions because of what you did to me, I want to help people because of you. My relationship with God is stronger than it ever was before because of you. I am stronger, kinder, more ambitious because of what you did, but it wasn’t because of what you did it’s because of the way I reacted to the situation you forced e into. The help I have gained, the people I have met, the experiences I have had, the pain I have suffered is because of my reaction to the situation you put both of us in.



You and I are the only two people that know exactly, what happened that night. As much as I try to forget that night it will forever be etched into my mind. I will be struggling for a long time to come to terms with what you did, I am prepared to fight the nightmares and anxiety for the rest of my life if it means I can help just one person, whether that be helping a sexual assault victim or perpetrator. I promise the lord I will help to make this earth a better place and provide people with the tools and support they require in order to make peace with themselves, I promise to forever acknowledge my past and use it in order to help others. My experiences that you have caused have made me stronger, so thank you for that.

Good Luck,
Paige 



There is so much I have learned after writing this letter and so much I want to add, but by adding those things, it would be in many ways obvious as to who he is which I have no intentions of doing. This is to help victims; this isn't revenge towards him. Everyone deserves to have inner peace and to be happy. He may have taken that away from me but it is only temporary, my feelings towards him hold a lot of hate but I am not going to destroy someone as they have attempted to do to me. I have been working with my therapist going through this letter and I have made a lot of realizations and there are things I am working on overcoming.

I am sorry if you have ever experienced sexual assault. Please get help because it is out there, people do care and what happened to you, is not your fault.


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Wednesday, 22 February 2017

25 Money saving Tips

I am a university student and therefore I will do almost anything to save money, I also planning on moving to another city in three years time and because I am into planning for my goals at the moment (thanks to my passion planner) I am already saving for that. I have also gone through my monthly accounts and cut out the things that I really don't need, and reduced other things that I don't use to its full potential, I also looked into other subscriptions services and it was going to cost me more to cancel it but while requiring about cancelling it they have given me two months free and I've decided I will keep this subscription (It is important to note I do use this service, but it isn't a necessity if it would have been better, in the long run, I would have cancelled it), I am also going to be maximising this subscription potential further as I have not been doing so at the moment.

1. Plan out your meals, this way you know what you're having and when and you'll avoid eating out.
2. Cancel Subscriptions you don’t need anything from Netflix (I know, but do you really need it) to magazine subscriptions
3. Reduce monthly expenses. I recently reduced my phone account by $50 a month and it took about $20 Minutes to do it, that’s  saving of $600 a year.
4. Walk. When you need to just go down the road walk instead of drive, you will feel better for it ad you won't be wasting money on petrol.
5. Make a herb garden. Fresh herbs can cost around $3 per bunch of fresh herbs but if you buy a plant they are $3.99 and they keep giving you produce,



6. When going shopping look at what you want, then walk away and wait 24 hours if you still want or ‘need’ that item then go and buy it but make sure you really need/want it first.
7. Plan your meals, so you know what you're buying what you go to the grocery store and you don’t buy the wrong things.
8. Get cash out, and that is the money you have to spend for the week. This way you are aware of how much you are spening and what you are spending money on
9. Buy drugstore make up, I know it kills me to write this as much as I love my high end brands, it is cheaper to buy dugstor ena dyou can often find dupes for your favourite products. Ehen you are buying high end products do your research and make sure it is a product that you love and will you.
10. Join a library or swap books with friends, this will save money buying new books and most public libraries are free.







11. Stop wasting food, if you made too much freezer it, and all those off cuts of things make a stew or soemtihng at the end of the week with them.
12. Rather than eating out or ordering in cook your food, if you think you wnt have time cook head of time, and freeze it.
13. Stop buying take away coffees. If you really need a flat whte buy the ones in the packets from the supermarket its still more expensive than istant but its cheaper han buying a café flat whute everyay
14. Wash your clothes on cold it will save on hot water.
15.  Buy a reusable drink bottle rather than a bottle of water when you go out this way not only are you helping the planet you will also save on buywater
16. cancel your gym membership. Even if you go to th gym its cheaper to google a hiit workout on youtube, you will also save time and money getting ot the gym.



17. Track your money, have a notebook or even in the notes section of your phone write down everything you buy and how much it costs, keep those receipts so you know what you are buying.
18. Rather than going out invite your friends over, and everyone bring a dish.
19.  Don’t buy Premix alcoholic drinks. A pack of four to six premixes are around 10-$20 A bottle of Vodka can be around $40-$60 yes that costs more but you also get a lot more drinks from it and you can change things up with different flavours and have fun trying new things.



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Thursday, 16 February 2017

Being Single, Dating and Relationships

This is out a day early because I want to just press publish and know before I go to bed whether anybody hates me.




I have written this blog post twice already and deleted it, let me explain why. I don't want details of my love life strewn around the internet, that's all. I can hear some of my friends now saying "you're more single than single, you don't have a love life" alright thank you for that but I have no desire to have any potential love interest details or anything else on the internet and yes I am aware that it is about what I choose to share however I am also choosing to make a conscience public decision that the finer details of my love life will not be discussed in any blog posts EVER unless I am in a very long term relationship and feel it is something you all need to know. All you need to know now is I am single, ~potentially like somebody~ but very single and currently enjoy flirting with everything that is single and has a heartbeat ~we all know that is accurate~.

*Deep Breathe* Can we talk about tinder? Well too bad we are going to, Tinder is like, this magical place where you match with a whole lot of boys ~emphasis on BOYS~, plan your wedding with them, then ghost them. Okay, maybe that isn't everyone else's experience but I would never actually date anyone on Tinder and I am well aware some people have met their true loves and all that bs on there but it ain't my thing and I don't think it ever will be. I have never found online dating romantic and while I have downloaded and deleted tinder to many times for me to count the last time I deleted it, was the last time! I will NEVER have Tinder ever again ~but also never say never~ but this year I won't that is a promise. I don't find the idea of Tinder appealing and while I appreciate people laughing at my lame jokes and telling me how great my boobs are* I have friends to do that and now you have a million questions so I'm ending this paragraph.


Dating is hard! Next topic. I'm joking, but dating is hard. There is like ten levels till you actually get to the stage of dating these days and I'm not going to lie I have a short attention span and I typically don't like people for more than two weeks, if you have made it past that two weeks I am sorry but I will probably like you for the next 6 months or more, just deal with it. In three months I am 19 and I have only ever had three, nope four crushes that I would consider actually crushes (This does not include people I have liked for less than two weeks, because we can not count that high) yea I have gone on dates with more than four people, okay okay I only dated one of those four people and lets just say glad that shit is over. I am joking one of my life rules is to never be mean about an ex. He was a great guy, although he wasn't emotionally available and the first time we dated I was like 13 and obviously that shit was never going to work. I also made mistakes and it was a very long; on again off again four years, don't get me wrong as a 13-year-old girl I wasn't exactly at the height of my perfection as I am still to reach that.

Roses and Good Morning texts. Does that sound perfect to you? Well, it's my idea of hell. I'm joking, but it isn't my jam. I had always said that if a guy sent me roses I would marry him, that quickly changed when some douchey guy sent me roses. Now you're probably thinking WTF he sent you roses he ain't a douche well hold up let me explain and stop being so judgy. I had met this dude once let me emphasize that ONCE and might I add to that I had met him ONCE while he was sleeping with (he thinks they were dating LOL) my best friend (Refer back to the paragraph about Tinder as she met him on Tinder). Now you see where I am coming from and while I could keep talking about the rose saga I don't want to have any court cases on my doorstep so next.** Good Morning texts, the thing girls lust over on FB. Hang on though I am not against good morning texts well not completely anyway. It's just; don't expect a reply I am either asleep or it's too early for human communication or we are NOT dating and I have no obligation to reply to you and ever if we were dating I would still be under no obligation to reply, to you. And I think that is also enough said on the topic but also don't get mad when she does not reply like shit son. I could speak about this dude for a whole paragraph but I'm not going to, actually when asking permission to speak about, him, he said no, when I tried to explain he said no, I then blocked him again and that's the end of our communication.

Okay, I have talked about me being single, Tinder, dating, roses and good morning texts and now relationships. Can we not talk about this though just like skip over it. Pretend I didn't type relationships in the title. I have a vast amount of experience n every other area but not dating. The only real serious relationship I have had was on and off for four years and that was from the age of 13 to 17 it's not exactly what I would call a relationship, I was a kid. He told me he loved me and I think I was more in love with the idea of him than ever actually being in love with him so well it obviously wasn't going to work. There was someone else I dated that I would also say was a fairly serious relationship however that is complicated and something I'm not ready to talk about on here because well I don't want to have to deal with that.



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Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Everyday Make Up Favourites


I have my favourites that i write every month or bimonthly but I don't really show you the products that I use everyday that I love at some point or another I am sure I have had these things in a favourites post but I wanted to write this post to tell you in a little more detail.

1. Nutrimetics Blushing Palette
I have tried to downsize my make up considerably for multiple reasons. I love this palette because it has a highlight, counter and blush colour which is amazing and I also love the colours in it, the tones of the contour is beautiful and I am obsessed with it. When I am also travelling and don't want to take to much make up or beauty products with me I use this on my eyes as well. I pop the contour shade on my crease and lid and the highlight shade in my inner corner.

2. Elizabeth Arden Brush
I love this brush and I use it for so many things. I apply my foundation and counter with real techniques brushes, which I have mentioned before, however the Elizabeth Arden brush is awesome to apply blush, highlight, bronzer and everything in between.

3. Za Perfect Action Smudgeproof Mascara
I have tried so many mascaras! I have used different Chanel, Elizabeth Arden, Maybelline, and so many others however I have never liked one like I love this one. I have naturally pretty short lashes and I am going to be cfmepleyey honest I am pretty sure my lashes have grown since using it, I have never though I would like a mascara but i do. I don't know if my lashes have really grown or I have just convinced myself that they have but this mascara is truly amazing!

4. Nutrimetics Glimmer Stick Shadow
I use this eyeshadow stick in my everyday make up routine like all of these products however this one is easy to use, although it can be hard to blend it won't come off during the day and it looks like you have put in a lot more effort when you wear this shadow.

What are your favourite everyday make up products? Do you use any of these products?
Let me know in the comments below.
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Sunday, 12 February 2017

Health and Fitness apps that I love

Part of my new years resolutions this year is to get fit and healthy, and basically just become the best me possible, cheesy I know. This is some of my favourite fitness apps that I use regularly. I am also trying out some more apps at the moment and would love to hear what apps you recomend.



1. Running

This app is awesome, especially if you want to get into running. I use to love running, in the afternoons, I would go for runs around the farm and i loved it. I always related running to feeling empowered, owning your body and pushing yourself to new strengths, running faster and longer each time. With this app you can choose from 6 options which are; Walking for weight loss, start running, running for weight loss, 5k and 10k. Later this year I want to do a 10k, which also makes this app awesome as I can work towards that goal, I have done part of the running for weight loss however i have decided to go back to starting to run as well I am going to be real I hated it, loved the feeling but I was also like screw this. I'm also not running on a flat surface (there are some hills, like a lot, I hate them) and i was running for a lot longer amounts than the workouts suggested, so I am going back to basics and 'learning' to run again.

2. Blogilates


I have used the blogilates app for probably two years now and I really like it for days that I don't have time to workout or I don't have access to somewhere to workout. You can do pilates anywhere anytime which is something I love. The videos that are apart of the app are so handy and I love that you can tick off each day because well I love lists, and the feeling of accomplishment when I tick things off.

3. Calm


Although this app is not a fitness app, it is to do with wellbeing. It is so important to take time to ourselves and relax. It is simple little 10min meditation sessions each day that help to relax your mind and be really prepared for the day.


What are your favourite health and fitness apps? Do you use any of these apps?
Let me know in the comments below.
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Friday, 10 February 2017

50 Fun (Mostly) Free Things To Do Alone

YES! You read that right ALONE!! I am single like NEVER been more single in my life and most of my friends aren't which means I often have the choice of been a third/fifth/seventh (you get the point) wheel or I just hang out by myself. Yay for learning to be more independent (this is where my mother says I have always been annoyingly independent). Okay, in all seriousness I like hanging out by myself, I am an incredibly busy person and when I hang out with friends I try and make it at either breakfast, lunch or dinner because I have to eat and so do they thus saving time. That makes me sound like a bad friend, but who doesn't like food! To prove to you I am really busy I have my blog (obviously, you know that), I am also a student and I have a part time job I also travel 4-5 hours each week for therapy. I told you it was a legit reason.



This year to tackle my issues of the 'unknown' I am trying to do something each week that scares me slightly and has unknown 'traits', thus doing fun things ALONE is deffo on that list. Also, I am a uni student I can't afford to do fun expensive things ALONE, like you want cheaper accommodation; get a boyfriend, you want to go on holiday; oh yep its a twin package (yeah, they got you there didn't they). Don't get me wrong I love hanging out with myself but places that charge less or only have twin deals; I hate you! (Sorry, had to be said. Am I right single people or am I right??)

**Sidenote: When I started writing this post I was putting my little sarcastic comments next to each 'activity' then realized not only would this take way too long to write but it would also be extremely boring and long for you to read, thus now only some have my comments (although if you want me to add snarky comments to all of them, let me know in the comments below. )

1. Go to the Beach.
2. Go on some kind of nature walk.
3. Workout hahahaahaha, I know
4. Read a book.
5. Paint your nails.
6. Lie on the grass and listen to music like some cool 80's hippy
7. Watch a movie
8. BUBBLE BATH!!
9.  Start a garden with vegetables or flowers or herbs. The possibilities are endless.
10. Cook a new recipe using only the ingredients in your cupboard (haven't been shopping in a week? no problem, I'm sure your week old broccoli will taste great!)
11. Meditate
12. Make a goals list
13. Write a letter to literally anybody.
14. Get crafty
15. Ride your bike (that is if you haven't had it in you garage for five years and grown out of it)
16. Clean out your wardrobe and donate the stuff you no longer use, because yay for giving to charity!
17. Pamper time
18. Window shop ALONE
19. Go for a drive
20. Binge watch NETFLIX or some cheap site where you do not have to pay  **Sidenote I am not encouraging illegal downloading of anything!
21. Go to a museum
22. KNIT
23. Learn something new
24. Organize your phone (I know nothing is in folders and it's an absolute mess, sort it out!!)
25. Compliment yourself.
26. Walk your dog.
27. Scream (It is satisfying)
28. Check your emails and REPLY to them
29. Scroll the internet.
30. Read Jokes.
31. Keep doing what you are doing right now.
32. Pick flowers.
33. Clean your house.
34. Do your washing, yes I know you haven't done it in three weeks stop being lazy and do it
35. Do something with your hair; curl it, straighten it, cut it all off, the possibilities are endless.
36. Dance
37. Go onto the Sephora website put everything you could ever want in your basket then press the little X in the corner and remind yourself you can;t afford to buy anything
38. Create a bucket list
39. Meal Prep.
40. Create a budget.
41. Foooooood
42. Swimming
43. Random act of kindness
44. Pinterest, need I say more.
45. Drink WINE (not encouraged if you are legally not allowed, have water instead)
46. Stalk your ex on Social Media.
47. Affirmations (Yes, I mean to stand in the mirror and tell yourself how damn sexy you are.)
48. Go to the park
49. Lie on the floor and think of all those fantastic responsibilities you have and what you should actually be doing.
50. Nap

I am somewhat impressed that I got 50 things down okay I know I cheated with a few but close enough.

What are some free things you love to do? Do you like hanging out alone?
Let me know in the comments below.
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Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Anxiety

Anxiety comes in many different forms and it can feel very different for each person.  It is important to learn the difference between feeling anxious about stressful events such as a job interview or exam, and ongoing anxiety that affects your everyday activities. This type of ongoing, all-over anxiety is called generalised anxiety disorder (GAD).



Personally, I have struggled with anxiety for many years and have felt the effects of it in many different forms including having panic attacks. Everybody struggles with feeling anxious at some point and it is important to remember that you are not alone and there is things you can do to help.

Anxiety is described as “a disorder characterised by intense, frequent or continuous anxiety, which may lead to disruptive avoidance behaviour” (Burton, Westen, & Kowalski, 2012).


Anxiety related disorders:

It is common that people who experience generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) can also live with other mental illnesses such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Signs and Symptoms:

These can differ from person to person however here are some key symptoms that people with GAD can experience:

·      Expecting the worst
·      Worry excessively about everyday things when there is no need to worry
·      Not being able to relax
·      Avoid different situations that may make them anxious
·      Feelings of edginess and restlessness
·      Poor sleep

Diagnosing Anxiety:

Although there is no test for anxiety, it is important that if you find your anxiety restricting you visit a health professional such as a GP or clinical psychologist in order to assess your situation and decide on a plan going forward.

Treatment options:

There are many different options for treating GAD, here are some of them:
·      Medication: It is important to understand that it can take time to find a medication that is right for you
·      Therapy: This can include talking therapies which can be very useful for children and young adults experiencing anxiety symptoms.
·      Complimentary therapies: this can include things as exercise, mindfulness, yoga and much more.

 Where you can find help:

•   Lowdown: thelowdown.co.nz
•   Sparx: sparx.org.nz/about
•   Healthline: 0800 611 116. (Available 24 hours, 7 days a week and free to callers throughout New Zealand, including from a mobile phone).
•   Lifeline 0800 543 35
•   Samaritans – 0800 726 666 (for callers from the Lower North Island, Christchurch and West Coast) or 04 473 9739 (for callers from all other regions)
•   Ministry of Health. Online self-test
•   Big White Wall. Free for Auckland DHB residents. A UK-based professionally facilitated peer support community of people who are experiencing common mental health problems.
•   Beating the Blues. Online CBT therapy module, NZ
•   CALM Website. Exercises and information you can download.
•   Depression.org.nz including The Journal. NZ based self-help program designed to teach you skills that can help get through mild to moderate depression more effectively.
•   UK Mental Health Foundation. Free audio podcasts that can help you relax and improve your sense of wellbeing.

Thank you to ‘The Mental Health Foundation’ for their support on this post.

If you would like to donate to The Mental Health Foundation click here.





Textbook reference used: Burton, L., Westen, D., & Kowalski, R. M. (2012). Psychology. Milton, Qld.: John Wiley and Sons Australia.
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Monday, 6 February 2017

Auckland

If you know me you know this was going to be a blog post at some point! I love Auckland but it hasn't always been that way. I use to have a strong hate towards Auckland for various different reasons, however, after living on the north shore for a year I have come to live this city I once hated.

I grew up north of Auckland however, that changed seven years ago when the town I was living in became a part of the Auckland supercity, that meant i technically lived in Auckland. Not going to lie I despised Auckland for making this change. I grew up on a farm in the country, I in no way wanted to be a part of the city. however moving closer to the city this year I have fallen in love with Auckland, which is a sentence I was certain i would never say.

Some of the places  love in Auckland include:

Piha



My favorite because was an hour and a half away from where I was living in Auckland which meant, I had to find another beach. Granted Piha is still 40-60 minutes away from where I live, it was still closer and also close to family which is obviously ideal.


Titirangi



I love Ttitirangi, I also have family that live in Titrangi thus, I have gotten to know the place fairly well. I love the cafes, the bush and the overall vibe of the place.

Albany

I have uni in Albany and spend most of my time there so it would be very wrong fir me not to include it in this post. I have found my favorite cafe, and a lot of my other favorite spots in Albany it definitely feels like home now.

What place makes you feel at peace? Do you have a special place?
Let me know in the comments below.
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Friday, 3 February 2017

The Unknown

The unknown and overcoming it is something I have struggled with for a very long time and is something I talked about in my new years resolutions post.



The Unknown and the though of it scares me, but like with any fear I talked about it with my therapist. It doesn't mean just because I have talked about it with my therapist for a couple of sessions that I am magically cured and no longer scared of the unknown because it defiantly doesn't work like that, although i wish it did.

*deep breathe* since I was a id i hated doing things that i didn't know every detail about, I hated meeting people and doing things that I couldn't predict the outcome to and throughout the years with the experiences I have been through it has enforced this fear more and more, I was finding myself stopping doing things because I couldn't predict what was going to happen.

Last year, things had to change. I made massive decisions that ultimately I didn't know what was going to happen. I had to make the decision whether I was going to better myself and further my life or I was going to take the safe option. I chose to take the riskier option. I chose to move cities, start uni, a new job and so much more! It was terrifying and looking back all so worth it. It was worth it because of the experiences I have had (both positive and negative), the knowledge I have gained, and the friends and people i have met, as well las so many more things.

While these are things that I have taken a chance with it doesn't mean I wasn't terrified by them, I am also finding that I am still making decisions out of fear of not knowing what is going to happen. I have needed the start of potential relationships with amazing people because i am scared of getting hurt, I don't do things and avoid places and doing things because I can't predict the outcome. One event imparticular have been heavily based on not knowing what is going to happen and with this particular thing whatever I decide I cannot predict the outcome, which obviously is something that I struggled to deal with. Ultimately I have realised that, this is probably something I will always struggled with however I came to the decision on what to do in that situation. I decided that ultimately I have to do what is best for me, I don't know if it will be the right decision in 6 months, five year or even 20 years but right now this is the best decision for me. Yes, it could be viewed as the most predictable option but ultimately I chose this decision because it is the best thing for me.

Ultimately sometimes the safe option is what is best for us and that is how we should live always choosing the option that will be best for you, whether that is scary and unknown or not. My therapist and I made a list as we do quite often that list consisted of some of the  things that I have done that I didn't know what the outcome was going to be and it turned out the it was mostly positive outcomes, sure there were things that turned out to be crap ut from those experiences I have learned valuable things and they have helped shape me into the person i am today.

Live life with the thought process of how good is it going to be for you, what are you going to learn that will be of value to you!

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